by Jonannah, age 14

“Jenn!”

I opened my eyes to early morning darkness.

“Go away.” I threw my pillow at the sleep intruder and covered my face with the covers. The pillow was thrown back onto me and I was attacked by my nine year old brother, Josiah.

He pulled the covers off my face. “You gotta get up.”

I sat up and pushed him off my bed. He fell with an “oomf”.

“Why on earth?” I asked, pushing my covers back.

“Dad’s leaving in ten minutes, he told you to hurry or he’s leaving without you.” It took me a while to shake off my sleepiness before I realized what he meant.

“The show!” I jumped out of bed, almost stepping on Josiah in the process. “Get out please.” I pointed to the door and walked to my closet. From the closet I called, “And close the door on your way out.”

I took out jeans and a tank top, along with some boots, and I quickly put them on. I grabbed my bag and hurried down the stairs, pulling my hair into a ponytail on the way down. My dad was waiting for me at the bottom.

He looked at his watch and said, “Seven minutes, not bad.”

I grinned and hurried out the door. We ran out to the truck and trailer.

“Is Pixie all loaded?” I buckled my seat belt and turned to my dad.

“Yes.” He opened my door again. “How about you drive? I don’t like to drive before a show.”

“Oh, can I?”

My dad nodded and I hugged him before I got in the driver’s seat.

“Do you know how to get there?”

I nodded and carefully backed out. Driving with the trailer scared me,but I knew I needed lots of practice. Hopefully no harm comes out of my practice.

On our long drive my dad and I talked on a range of subjects from the horse show to how I was doing in school. My dad was always training with his horse, Pixie Dust, and didn’t have much time to be with his family. So I always enjoy our car rides to my dad’s shows.

“Your mother taught you well,” Dad said.

I made a right turn at a stop sign. Driving straight with a trailer was, of course, easy. But turns were hard and I hated them.

“Yep, I had to learn these trailer turns from the beginning.”

My dad laughed. “Yeah and you make them better than I do.”

I grinned and shook my head. We came up to the show grounds and I pulled in.

“Want me to park?” Dad asked.

I nodded and quickly got out, guiding him to the right spot. When the truck was finally parked, I opened the trailer door and led Pixie out.

“How’s my girl?” Dad patted Pixie’s nose and took the reins.

“You’d better go warm up,” I said. I waved to my dad and ran to get a good seat.

“Hey Jenn.”

I looked up to see my friend Matt. “Hey, why are you here?”

He sat down next to me and pointed toward a man and his horse. “My uncle is in the same class as your dad.”

I stared at his uncle. It made me nervous. Matt’s Uncle Jon was one of the best riders in his class and he was tough to beat. I sucked in my breath and prayed hard for my daddy.

“Make you nervous?” Matt was watching my reaction.

I laughed nervously. “Just a little.” I paused and searched the meaning of his question. “But Daddy’s gonna win, so I don’t have to worry.”

Matt gave me an amused smile and nodded. The first rider in my dad’s class was announced and we focused our attention on the riders.

“Two poles knocked,” I heard Matt mutter under his breath.

“Are you nervous?” I grinned.

Matt gave a baffled expression. “Me?”

I shook my head and laughed. “Forget it.”

He quickly turned his attention back. The next rider knocked three poles down and was really slow.

“Micah Lewis on Pixie Dust.”

When I heard my dad’s name called, I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes. “Tell me when it’s over,” I told Matt.

“Don’t you want to see it?”

I shook my head, “No!”

I heard him laugh. ”Don’t be a fork, why not?”

“I’m too-”

“Nervous?”

I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut tighter. My hands felt clammy and my heart beat with nervousness. “Has he started?” I asked.

“Yes, he went over the first.”

I let some of my held breath out and nodded.

The crowd was silent and then there was a gasp from the audience. I opened my eyes and saw my dad off of his horse.

“What happened?” I stood up and looked around.

“Pixie stumbled and your dad fell off.”

“What?” I sat down and sighed with disappointment. “How on earth . . .”

Matt shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know, it was kind of weird.”

“But . . .” Why had my dad fallen? He had been so psyched and ready to go, and Pixie was definitely ready. What had happened?

I ran to go meet up with my dad. Matt following close behind. “Dad!” I ran up to him and took Pixie’s reins. “What happened?”

My dad shrugged. He looked disappointed and confused.

“Let’s get Pixie loaded.”

He nodded and followed me. We rubbed her down and I gave her a treat and massaged her face a bit before I loaded her. While we watered Pixie, my dad sat in the car and I talked to Matt.

“How did it happen?”

“He did what everyone else had been doing.” He shrugged.

“How can no one know? Didn’t they see it?” I stood up and kicked at the grass.

“It happened so fast, I bet Pixie doesn’t even know.”

“What does a stupid horse know?”

I led Pixie into the trailer and slammed the door shut. I got into the driver’s side and started the truck. I backed out carelessly and frustrated.

“Jenn watch out!” my dad said, clutching the sides. I just scowled and didn’t respond. We made it out of the parking lot safely, but I was still driving recklessly on the road.

“What did she do, Dad? How did it happen?”

“Jenn, I don’t know.”

“How could you not know? How come nobody knows?” I barely missed running into the car in front of me at a stop light.

“Do you want me to drive?” Dad asked.

I put my hand up. “Don’t change the subject, Dad.”

He placed my hand back on the wheel. “Don’t use that tone with me!”

“Dad,” I whined it out long.

“Would you like to be grounded?”

“No,” I snapped.

I knew then that I was grounded. “Dad, I-” My sentence was lost.

I made a turn and ran into a car. We crashed hard and head on. That’s what the police said, but I didn’t remember. I saw flashes of color and then nothing.

“It’s OK, Jenn. You’ll be fine.” My mom was talking to me. Where was I? I opened my eyes and looked around.

“Mom?” My mom nodded. She wasn’t crying, but I could tell she had been.

“Where . . .”

“At the hospital.” I was sitting up and my leg was in a cast and my head was wrapped and bandaged.

“Why?” I felt tears in my eyes.

“You were in a car accident.”

I tried to remember what had happened. I couldn’t remember past the horse show that day.

“Is Pixie all right?” I asked. I don’t know why I thought of the horse first. Horses didn’t survive everything, but dads did. Dads are invincible. It was a childish thought. But I guess I thought it because I just couldn’t imagine my dad gone.

My mum nodded. “The horse is fine.”

And I remembered Dad. He had been with me. He had lost. “What about Dad?”

My mom kept a straight face but her chin quivered. “He died in the crash.”

The world stopped. I stared at the wall with tears raining down my face. “What?” I whispered, barely heard. My mom hugged me and we cried together.

Twenty minutes later, when we had pulled ourselves together somewhat, I asked questions.

“How long ago?” I asked.

“Three days, you’ve been out that long.”

“Where’s everyone else?”

“At home.”

I tried to comprehend what she said. My dad dead – gone. Never to be seen again. The tears came again and wouldn’t stop.

“He just can’t be,” I whispered.

“Try to rest some, Jenn.” My mom kissed my forehead and left the room.

I didn’t get a wink of sleep. I kept thinking of Dad and all the great times, even the bad times. I thought about our last minutes, not knowing they had been the last at the time. I had never really understood when people regretted their last words to someone who had died.

But now I understood – my nasty words. If I had only known they were the last . . .

“Wow, you look pretty awful.” My twin brother, Caleb, entered the room.

I frowned and looked at my arms, all bruised and scraped up. “Oh, hush up.”

Caleb sat down looking depressed and tired. “How’re you?” he asked.

I sighed and put my aching arms down. “Horrible.”

He nodded and looked into my face, as if searching for something. “It’s the worst week of my life,” Caleb agreed.

More tears were coming and I tried my hardest to stop them. “Everything that’s connected to him will hurt to look at,” I said.

“Even Pixie?”

I nodded. “Especially Pixie. She was there when it happened and . . .” I trailed off. I didn’t want to share my thoughts. Not even with my twin brother. There was absolutely no comfort in my thoughts.

“Mom told me what happened,” Caleb looked at his hands - a habit of his. He looked at his hands when he was tired, depressed, angry, teasing or embarrassed.

“What happened?” I asked.

“What happened at the show, Matt told you.”

I nodded and stared at my hand which was scraped up.

“You’re not blaming Pixie are you?”

I shook my head furiously and swatted at his hands. “Course not, I . . . I’m blaming myself.”

It was me. I made the turn. I was driving. I was the one who wouldn’t let the loss go. When it all came down to it, it was my fault, and no one could stop that.

“Why? You were frustrated by the loss. It’s not your fault.”

I nodded and kept quiet. No matter what he said he couldn’t convince me that I didn’t do it.

“Jenn.” I looked up. “I can tell when you’re not listening.”

I gave a half smile. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to think–sort out my thoughts.”

Caleb nodded and stood up. “You do that.”

Caleb left and closed the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

One month later . . .

I walked out of the downstairs bedroom. Thump, thump, thump. I had been sleeping downstairs because of my leg. I thump-thumped along into the kitchen.

“Ah, I hear Jenn,” my college bound brother, Jessie, said.

Jessie and Caleb sat at the kitchen table, both with a cup of coffee in their hand. They watched me enter and sit down.

“Early morning yuck?” I said. My brothers loved coffee and I couldn’t stand it.

Jessie took a long gulp of the dark stuff. “MM-hmm.”

I didn’t laugh, I didn’t smile. I hadn’t at all the past month.

“Is Pixie coming back today?” I asked, thumping along to the fridge.

For some reason my mom had had Pixie boarded at another stable. I guess she couldn’t stand the look of anything Dad-related. I didn’t blame her. But I also wasn’t blaming the horse for what happened. Pixie hadn’t even been driving.

“Didn’t you hear?” Josiah asked, entering the kitchen. He was all bleary-eyed and rumpled.

“Look who just stumbled out of bed.” Caleb sipped at his coffee, looking at the youngest Lewis.

“Hear what?” I asked.

“Mom sold her.”

I slammed the fridge door shut and thumped over to Josiah. “Pixie?” Josiah nodded and headed for the orange juice.

I hadn’t laughed this month, but I had definitely cried. And when I started, I couldn’t stop, even if it was over the tiniest things, but this wasn’t tiny. I needed Pixie. Why had she sold her? Pixie was Dad’s horse and he wouldn’t have wanted that. I wanted to keep that klutz of a horse, even if she did trip that day.

“Why?” I challenged. Josiah carelessly shrugged and glugged his orange juice down.

“Beats me,” he said.

“Yes I will, if you don’t tell me.”

Caleb laughed. “Come on, Jenn. It’s a horse.”

I turned and glared at him. “Dad’s horse. It’s Pixie! Since when do you stop caring about Pixie?”

Caleb’s smile froze and he didn’t answer.

Jessie finished his coffee and put it in the sink. “Well I’m off.” He grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

“Where’s Mom?” I asked. Josiah shrugged and Caleb frowned. I thumped out to the yard in search of my Pixie-selling mother.

“Mom?” I called. It is always so hard to find family members on a horse farm. There’s so many places to be and all kinds of little nooks and crannies that they can hide in. I thumped toward the barn, hoping desperately that she was in there. I really didn’t feel like going around our property on my crutches.

“Mom! Mother,” I called. She didn’t answer and I entered Pixie’s old stall. I sat down on the hay and placed my crutches beside me.

Why, I thought, why did she sell Dad’s horse? It’s Dad’s horse. Pixie Dust couldn’t leave, she can’t be gone.

“Did you call?” My mom stood over me, leaning on Pixie’s door. She stuck out a hand and helped me up and then handed me my crutches.

“Why did you sell her?” I asked. I stared at my mother. She was always the best at hiding her emotions, you couldn’t read her at all. Unlike me; everyone reads me like a book.

“I couldn’t keep her.” My mom picked at a piece of straw.

“Why not?”

“You are already hurting, and if Pixie hurts you as much as it did me, than you don’t need that. None of us do.”

I shook my head and fought back tears. “She didn’t hurt me. You have no idea how much I wanted to keep her. She was Dad’s horse.”

I thumped out of the stall, leaving Mom to her thoughts. My mom and I had never been close. It was always Dad and me. My dad and I were extra close and my mom and I aren’t. And all that has happened has just distanced us more. I hated what my life had become, would it ever get better?

Eight months later. . .

“Are you sure you want to go?” My best friend Kirsten was on the phone and as usual was overly concerned. Kirsten and I had been planning to go to a local show and now Kirsten was on the phone two days before the actual show, “just making sure” I still want to go.

I laughed and sighed. “Yes, of course I do.”

Kirsten gave a muffled nervous laugh. “Well, sorry I’m such a worry wart, but you’ve been a little happier now and I didn’t want to push you back into the dark cloud you were hiding in.”

It was true. It did seem like I had been hiding in a dark cloud. But thankfully it’s gone, but now an emptiness filled that space - the space where Dad should be.

“It’s your first since the accident,” Kirsten put in.

I hadn’t really thought about that. Kirsten always brought the worst things up at the wrong time.

Would I be able to handle this show? I definitely won’t be able to drive there. Of course, I had started driving since my cast came off, but not to shows. It seemed I was cursed and couldn’t drive to a show with a trailer . . . or at all. But it was just me, obsessing over the accident.

“Jenn?”

I guess I had kept silent too long. I quickly answered, “Sorry! No, I’m ready, don’t worry about me.”

Jessie came into the kitchen waiting to use the phone. He tapped his watch and spread his hands out in question.

“I’ve got to go, Kirsten. See you on Saturday.” She said goodbye and I hung up the phone.

“What did Kirsten want?” Jessie grabbed the phone.

“Don’t be nosy.”

Jessie grinned and dialed his number. “It’s just my nature.”

I crossed my arms and smirked. “Do I ask about the girl you talk to?”

Jessie shouted after me as I left out the front door.

I sat down on the porch swing and looked out over the farm. It was as beautiful and peaceful as ever but it just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same without Dad walking around the yard fixing stuff and getting chores done. It wasn’t the same without Dad and Pixie training from first thing to sunset. And it definitely wasn’t the same without my daddy coming outside and joining me on the swing where we would talk. Just talk and push the swing back and forth with our feet, trying to get a rhythm going. And then the boys would come out and sprawl in different places on the porch and Josiah would join Daddy and me on the bench swing.

Then Mom would come out and sit on the railing and we would sing songs – songs from “Amazing Grace” to some silly made up song. We would sing until the sunset faded and then just watch the stars until late. It definitely wasn’t the same.

Saturday . . .

There was a knock and Josiah jumped up from his spot to answer the door. He bumped the table so I spilled my orange juice all over the table.

“Josiah,” I scolded. I jumped up so the orange liquid wouldn’t spill on my clothes.

“Sorry,” he called and opened the door. I hurried and cleaned the mess up just as Kirsten came in the door.

“Are you ready?” she asked. I threw the rag in the sink and grabbed my bag.

“Now I am.”

Kirsten nodded. “Then shall we commence?”

“We shall.”

We connected elbows and skipped out the door laughing. Kirsten got in the driver’s seat and I got in the passenger’s.

“You excited?” Kirsten pulled out of our drive.

I shrugged. “I just feel kinda odd about it. There are a lot of things missing. The trailer, Pixie, Dad . . .” I trailed off as the memories hurt my gut deep down.

When we arrived I immediately got butterflies. A million butterflies all fluttering at once. My hand clutched my stomach as we found some seats.

“Good gracious,” I said.

Kirsten laughed. “How does it feel to be at a show after nine months?”

I laughed nervously, disturbing my butterflies. “Honestly, horrible.”

I looked around at the people, the horses and the rings. It all felt alien to me. How could nine months make this big a difference?

“Hello girls.”

Kirsten and I looked up and greeted Matt. He sat down next to me. “Have you seen any of the horses yet?”

I nodded and searched the grounds. “Yes. I don’t recognize many.”

Matt laughed. ”Yeah, a lot can happen in nine months.”

I found his uncle and pointed to him. “I see he got a new horse.”

“Yeah, Forest broke his leg.”

I frowned. “Oh that’s too bad. Did you have to put him down?”

Matt nodded and didn’t reply. I looked at all the horses and the riders and realized just how much I missed shows. It brought back good memories and fun times. But it also brought back the worst memory of my life. Maybe with time the good memories will push out the bad so I could enjoy shows again.

The first rider in Matt’s uncle’s class was announced. The three of us watched the riders and horses and enjoyed the sunny day. It was relaxing and enjoyable, until the one rider and his horse that made my heart leap out of my chest.

“Shane Mclean on Pixie Dust.”

I jumped up and spotted Mclean and Pixie. Sure enough it was my Pixie Dust - the Pixie that had been missing for eight long months.

“Pixie!” I said, loudly. Matt and Kirsten were now on their feet with me.

“It’s Pixie.” Kirsten grabbed my shoulders. The three of us ran down.

“We have to find who owns her.” I told Kirsten and Matt. They nodded.

“Ask about Mclean and his horse.”

With that we were off, searching for Mclean’s trailer. I came up to a rider and asked her about Mclean.

“With his fairy horse?”

I nodded eagerly. She pointed toward a trailer and I hurried over. I spotted Matt and Kirsten and waved them over.

“You found it?” Kirsten asked, out of breath.

“Oh yes.”

Matt looked over to a man leading his horse. “Here they come,” he whispered.

My butterflies flew to my throat and I felt as nervous as ever. What do we do now?

“Hello,” Mclean said, staring at the three of us.

“Is your horse for sale?” I asked immediately.

Mclean looked puzzled. “Why’d you ask that?”

“It’s my horse.”

Mclean laughed then. He obviously thought I was a silly little girl with imaginings. “Is not. This here’s mine.”

My tears were coming again. I knew in the end I wouldn’t have her, but I had to fight. “You don’t understand!” I said, reaching for Pixie.

Mclean pulled away and placed an amused smile on his face. “No, I don’t. Please explain.”

“It’s my daddy’s horse. I need her.”

I told him my story. He was a grown man who obviously didn’t care about my problems, but I had to try. I had to convince him to sell him to me.

So I told him all about the loss and how I had been frustrated. And I told him about the accident and my stay at the hospital. I told him how I blamed myself for everything. But my mom blamed Pixie and hated the horse. That’s why she sold her. I told him how I needed Pixie. I needed Pixie because she had been Daddy’s. I told him everything and when I had finished he said the most unexpected thing.

“Wow,” he said, he looked baffled and his amusement no longer showed. “How much will you pay for her?”

A grin approached the corners of my mouth and I gasped and clasped my hands together. “Anything.”

When Mclean told me the amount I nearly died and all my butterflies went with me. “I don’t have that much.”

He shrugged and looked at me sympathetically. “I’m sorry,” he said.

Matt glared at the guy. “Me too.”

I walked away with my friends, feeling numb. I was so close to my horse, but I’m as far as I could ever be now. To think the only thing that separated me and Pixie was money – money I didn’t have.

One week later . . .

After a week of moping I was once again in my dark cloud.

I stared at my reflection in my bedroom mirror. “Snap out of it,” I said to myself.

I scowled at my reflection. “It’s just a horse. Pull yourself together.” Tears once again hid behind my eyes, waiting to come out.

I fought back with myself. “But it’s Dad’s horse. I need her.”

There was a knock on my door and I quickly blinked away my tears. I opened my door to Caleb standing there.

“Who are you talking to?” he asked.

“No one.”

Caleb was hiding a smile and holding back his laughter. He stared down at his hands. “Sure sounds like . . .”

“What do you want?”

He shrugged and said, “Mom called and wanted you to wait on the porch swing.”

I raised my eyebrow in question.

“I don’t know,” he said.

I walked downstairs and outside to sit on my mother’s assigned spot for me. I looked around the yard, watching the sunset and listening to the horses neigh; a peaceful and relaxing evening. Too bad I was as jumpy as a bean. Doubts were starting to fill my mind when Mom pulled up in the pickup with the trailer all hooked up.

“What in the world?” I stood up and walked over. My mom got out of the car and opened the trailer door and she led out . . .

“Pixie!” I screeched. I ran to the beautiful horse and hugged her neck. Bittersweet emotions churned inside of me as I rubbed the horse’s snout. “Oh you klutz, I’ve missed you so much.” I kissed the horse’s rough mane and buried my face in it.

After a few minutes I turned and saw my mother there. We were always distanced, not close like a mother and daughter should be.

“Mom, how ?”

My mom smiled through her tears. “I decided we do need your Dad’s horse.” I ran and hugged her.

“That horse gives you a bittersweet feeling doesn’t she?” my mom asked. I nodded and hugged her tighter. Life had suddenly turned bittersweet for our family and I knew now that we would get closer; our whole family, even Mom and me. All that had happened had drawn us closer. It was amazing to see God work through our lives.

Yep, it wouldn’t be the same, but God would help things get better.