by SB, age 13

Here it comes.

I knew it couldn’t last,
The days when my gelding was a little colt.
Now he’s grown old and white around the muzzle.
With an aching back and arthritic joints,
He walks slowly to come greet me in the morning.
Each day the walk is slower,
He holds his head lower,
And the nickers aren’t as loud.

I hear my father’s voice in my head,
“Perhaps it’s time to let him go gently, sweetie.”
I ignore all the signs I’ve read about,
That he doesn’t like his food anymore,
And that sometimes we find him lying on the ground unable to get up.

The one sign that puts everything in painful perspective
Is when I walk into his stall and call out his name,
And he doesn’t even lift his head because he’s so weak.
My heart breaks in two
And tears stream down my face.
I know now that the awful time has come,
To make the call
And say goodbyes,
And maybe one last ride.

I go to my father’s office and tell him,
“I’m ready.”
He gives a nod.
He knows what I mean, picks up the phone,
And dials a number.
I run out of the room before I hear him
Talk about what must take place.
To my horse’s stall I flee,
Where I have always found such comfort before.
He stands broken such as I have never seen,
With his head hung limp.
But then he looks up at me
With a familiar fire in his eyes
That drew me to him as a spunky colt.
He tells me to take one more ride
To remember him by,
So that I won’t ever forget
When the new foals come in.

This last time I don’t even bother with a saddle or a bridle.
He just follows me out to the pasture
Where he once frolicked as a foal.
He stands by a fence while I gently hop on.
It’s like a horse transformed.
His ears prick up
And his tail flashes high.
His nostrils flare
And his whinny reaches the sky.
I let my old gelding take the pace he wants,
And he chooses a steady walk around and around,
Till he finds some inner strength
And flows gracefully into a canter.
We rock back and forth like the young team we used to be.
The rhythm steady and calming just like the old days.

This time I remember every moment with my gelding.
When he was little,
He used to hide behind his mother in the stall,
Where I couldn’t see him,
And then run out and scare me.
When he got older he tried to head-butt me
While I tried to saddle him for the first time.
He chased me around the paddock for hours on end,
And ran me into the creek
Where we splashed and played
Before I climbed on his back
And he carried me, sleeping, back home.

“My gelding, strong and true,
Today is your last day with me,”
I say to myself as he comes to a stop at the fence
After he has tired himself out.
“There’s no need to worry,
There’s no need to fret.
Just relax, and it’ll all be over soon.
Don’t worry.
I won’t leave you till the very end
And I’ll visit you everyday.
I’ll still tell you what I’m thinking
And what happened today,
How much I miss you,
And what you meant to me.
I’ll always come to you when I need a friend
To talk to, because my own can’t handle the truth
Like you can.
I’ll still come by and plant your favorite flowers around
Your grave so that you can smell their sweet fragrance.
We’ll place you so the sun rises on your face
And sets behind you,
So that you can oversee the whole farm
And watch me grow strong.
Don’t worry,
I’ll always be by your side.
I’ll stay right with you to the very end.
I’ll hold your head
And cradle your neck.
Tell you that I love you,
And that it will be better this way.
Ready boy?
Because here we go,
It’s time to face the fact,
You and me both.
I love you forever.”

We leave the pasture and head back to the barn
Where the vet’s truck waits.
My father tells me I can wait outside if I want,
But I shake my head and say no.
“I already told him I would stay by his side.”
We go around the truck
Where a grim-faced man waits with a needle.
“Are you sure you want to be here?” he asks.
I nod my head and hold my breath.

My arms wrap around his neck
While he rests his head on my shoulder.
I watch as my tears fall down his soft and whitened fur.
I force myself not to look in his eyes,
And see the light leave
My boy that I loved so much.
I hear the syringe squeeze and hold my breath.
All of a sudden,
The heartbeat I had been feeling was gone
And his weight is on my chest.
I take a few steps back so he lay peacefully on the ground.
His eyes were closed
And he looked calm.
My father took my hand and tried to lead me away,
But I wanted to stay
And tell him where I wanted the body to lay.
He nodded slowly and with understanding,
And got some help to dig the grave.
I grabbed a shovel,
I joined a hand,
In digging the last resting place for my greatest friend.

He lay just where I told him he would,
Where the farm was his.
I laid a tiger lily on top of the earth
And said a sweet farewell,
And then with my head in my hand
I walked to the barn
And went to his stall where I sank down
And cried.
I had told him I would be strong,
But I guess it was worse than I could bear.

The days became easier after that,
With someone to share everything with
Who wouldn’t talk back or give bad advice.
I would sit by him
And talk for hours on end.
I did my work by his side,
And told him all the news of the barn.

One year later,
Something happened.
I walked into the barn one day
To one of the stalls that had held an expectant mare.
Out from behind her leg popped a little brown colt,
Eyes bright,
Coat wet,
Legs long,
And spirit met.
He tumbled out and ran to my side.
It was my little gelding back to say it was alright
To start again with a new little soul
To guide him,
And teach him,
And ride him just so.
My old gelding told me to take a chance
And trust again,
To find a new little foal
That I could ride one day.
And so I began anew with my
Great little foal
Whom I named
Tiger Lily.